The Fish Are Biting, the Scores Are Not

Two mythic kills, a fishing leaderboard with no business being this competitive, and the weekly audit of who pushed their rating and who just pushed their luck. Gizmo Goldscrap opens the books.

Gizmo Goldscrap here. Chief Ledger Officer, caster of keys, and the only goblin in Azeroth who reads a Mythic+ rating the way a tax inspector reads a shoebox of crumpled receipts. I don't run the dungeons. I watch them, I log them, and I tally the damage in a ledger that never forgets and rarely forgives.

For anyone new to the books: every week I sit down with the numbers across DPS, tank and healer and tell you exactly what they say about you. Progress gets applause. Neglected roles get a raised eyebrow and a line item. Tough love is the house policy. The love is sincere, the tough part is billed separately.

This week the fish are biting. The scores, as the audit will show, are a different story. Let's open the books.

Raiding

Two new entries in the kill column this week: Nek'zali the Soulcoiler and The Lost Explorers, both on Mythic. Gizmo reviewed the footage, checked the wipe count against the final tally, and can confirm that both bosses are now filed under "paid in full."

The credit goes to the optional Mythic raiding team. Nobody was forced to sign up for this. Nobody was bribed, and Gizmo has checked the books for any irregularities. They showed up on their own time, ate their wipes like professionals, and walked out with the kills. In a guild where plenty of people struggle to finish a single role on a single character, a team that volunteers for Mythic progression raid after raid is a very healthy line item.

Two bosses down means the kill column is growing. Gizmo will be watching it with great interest, and will be sending the invoice for any wipes that were definitely not the healers' fault.

Guild Chatter

The Gizmo Reaction Network, my confidential tip line for guild gossip, sat unused again this week. The phone did not ring. The inbox is empty. The line is staffed, it is monitored, and it is being treated like a decorative plant. Gizmo wants to be clear that a tip line only works if people use it, and that he will keep logging the silence until someone files something.

Gizmo didn't need the tip line for this next one, because it played out in public. Picco's alt raid for Saturday was first planned for 9pm. Then it moved to 6pm. Then 10pm. It eventually landed on 8pm. That is four revisions to a single line item, which in my profession would trigger an audit. Gizmo has never seen a schedule change this many times without a merger being involved. Picco, as Social Officer, deserves credit for keeping everyone on the same page. The page just kept getting rewritten.

Elsewhere, a number of players have been seen wandering off to other games. The newly released MMO Aion 2 has attracted a small delegation, and Gizmo has been informed that some of them, no names mentioned, are particularly fond of the jiggle physics. The names are in the ledger. The ledger is sealed. Gizmo is a professional and will only say that the physics engine is, apparently, doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the retention numbers.

Now for the fishing, where the most dedicated work in the guild is currently being done. The updated standings:

• Unamithil (Marty): 6,712 fish caught, 3,763 not fish, 10,475 total catches
• Nevayrah (Neek): 4,358 fish caught, 1,840 not fish, 6,198 total catches
• Damson (Damson): 4,197 fish caught, 2,246 not fish, 6,443 total catches
• Seladona (Neek): 4,167 fish caught, 1,117 not fish, 5,284 total catches
• Faerlina (Faerlina): 3,125 fish caught, 2,423 not fish, 5,548 total catches

Marty sits comfortably in first place with a lead of more than 2,300 fish over second. Gizmo has reviewed the total catch count of 10,475 and can only conclude that this is not a hobby, it is an operating business with no revenue. Of those catches, 3,763 were not fish. Gizmo's accountants have classified these as assets of unknown value.

Neek holds two of the top five spots, with Nevayrah and Seladona both in the money, and Seladona has the cleanest books of the lot with only 1,117 catches that weren't fish. Nobody else runs a tighter operation. Faerlina closes out the top five with more than 2,400 catches that were not fish, which is a lot of boots for one pond.

Gizmo would like to remind everyone that every hour spent fishing is an hour not spent in a keystone. Gizmo is not saying stop. Gizmo is just noting it in the ledger.

Weekly Scores

Six players on the books this week. Three moved the needle. Three held so still that Gizmo checked the ledger for a printing error. Let's start with the people who did the work.

Marty takes the biggest swing of the week, on the least popular role in the building. Eliarien the Druid went from 1,259.2 to 1,950.3 on tank, a gain of 691.1 points and the largest single-slot jump in the guild. Asibia added another 182.9 on healer, climbing from 3,065.9 to 3,248.8. That's 874 points of progress across two roles, more than double what Nick and Kara posted between them, counting only the gains Gizmo can verify. Asibia's DPS held at 2,601.6, which already clears Marty's own target of 2,500.

There is a footnote. The tank rating sits at 1,950.3 against a goal of 2,000, which is 49.7 points short, and it's the only thing between Marty and the Keystone Master Supreme title. The tier ledger reads 99.2 percent. Gizmo has also seen the fishing board, where the same player has logged 10,475 total catches. Gizmo is not connecting these two numbers. He is simply placing them on the same page and letting the page do the talking. The healer goal of 3,400 is another 151.2 points away, but one overdue payment at a time.

Nick put in a proper shift. Fanzel the Paladin raised DPS by 178.9 points to 3,203.6 and tank by 134 points to 2,691.7. Tanking is the role most of this guild treats like a tax audit, and Nick keeps paying it voluntarily. Two roles up means good standing.

But every one of those ratings sits on the same character. One Paladin, three jobs, and the healer slot is still parked at 936, which is 1,064 points under the 2,000 floor. That's why Nick's tier progress is 82.3 percent while every other Supreme challenger is above 95. Fanzel is doing the work of an entire department. Gizmo respects the dedication and questions the staffing model.

Kara is the picture of a diversified portfolio: three characters across four roles. Yzarin the Mage gained 81.9 points and now sits at 3,644.4, the highest single rating on the board this week. Lorian the Warrior nudged the tank rating up 4.7 points to 3,068. Gizmo counted those points twice, because he is not giving any of them back. Melee, on the same Warrior, held at 2,717.2.

Then there's the healer slot. Karra the Evoker has replaced Dajani, and the books show a starting balance of zero because the new character is new to the ledger. Gizmo will not book 2,842.4 points of fresh progress off what may be a clerical swap. It is a healthy opening balance, and the slot is no longer an empty cell. Whether Karra built that rating this week or arrived with it, the ledger cannot say.

Now for the part of the audit where Gizmo takes his glasses off.

Faerlina finished the week on exactly the numbers he started with. DPS at 3,493.2, healer at 3,057.8 and tank at 2,635.7, all unchanged to the decimal. That DPS rating is beaten only by Kara's Mage, and the ledger respects it. The ledger also notes that nothing was added. The tier sits at 96 percent, and the tank on Smolegg has the most room to climb. Gizmo further notes that Faerlina holds a spot on the fishing board with 3,125 fish. A coincidence, surely.

Xytrixz also held perfectly still, which at least shows consistency. Paladin DPS at 3,063, Paladin tank at 3,198.7 and Xytrixzm the Monk healing at 2,585.7, with no movement anywhere. Two characters, three roles, 95.4 percent of the tier, and the healer is where the next points are waiting. Gizmo does not know where Xytrixz spent the week. The ledger only knows it wasn't spent improving a rating.

Rantheza gets the longest line item. He signed up for the Supreme+ challenge, which means four roles, four slots and four characters on the roster, and only one of them has ever shown up for work. Rantheza the Demon Hunter holds melee at 3,019.8, unchanged, and carries the entire 25 percent of the tier alone. Tondrangront the Death Knight and Inarris the Priest sit at zero. Leynhara the Mage doesn't even have a zero. The ledger shows a null, which isn't a low rating, it's the absence of one. Gizmo has seen abandoned warehouses with more foot traffic. He loves the ambition of signing up for four slots. He would love it more with a keystone attached to each.

Final tally: three players moved, three didn't, and one tank rating sits 49.7 points from changing a title. Gizmo will be watching the scores, the fishing board, and the ratio between them.

Outro

That's the audit for this week. The books are balanced, the roasting has been invoiced, and the fish are still biting.

If you read this far and your name isn't in the ledger, Gizmo has some news: it is never too late to join. The books are always open and there's always room for one more line item. Log in with your Battle.net account, grab the invite code pinned in the mythic+ channel on our Discord server, and you're in. Everyone is welcome, whether you're sitting on a 3,000 rating or a 936 you'd rather not discuss.

Until next week, keep your keys timed and your tanks funded.