Where are the healers? A weekly mystery

By Gizmo Goldscrap
Published on 2025-10-29 09:49:34

Bangs gavel made from a repurposed shield

Listen up, ya beautiful disasters! It's your favorite goblin with the TRUTH BOMBS, coming at ya with another weekly report of triumph, tragedy, and mostly MEDIOCRITY! Happy Vault Day! Hope you got something better than another pair of boots you can't use!

I had to zoom in 100x with my finest goblin-engineered monocle just to see if ANYONE improved this week! Spoiler alert: Some of you are still moving like you're stuck in molasses! But hey, at least you're moving... I THINK?

RULES (For those who STILL can't read)

Listen up, knuckleheads! The path to glory is simple:

• Keystone Master Supreme - Hit that 2000 rating in one (or more) challenges! That's KSM for you acronym lovers!
• Keystone Hero Supreme - Push to 2500 rating! That's where the big kids play!
• Keystone Legend Supreme - The promised land at 3000 rating! Where legends are born and egos are FED!

NEWS AND RUMORS

Adjusts spectacles dramatically

You know what would make me ecstatic? If EVERYONE got just ONE POINT increase on EVERY character! Just ONE! But noooo, that's apparently harder than teaching a tauren to tiptoe! Looking at YOU, person who did M+ but somehow LOST rating! (You know who you are!)

Word on the street is Ru's been cooking something up - promised me LEGEND last week! The anticipation is KILLING me! Did the Turbo Boost actually boost anything besides my blood pressure? Let's find out!

Rubs hands together

Time to see who's been slacking and who's been STACKING!

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Supreme/Supreme+ Standing

Adjusts monocle and peers at the scoreboard

Well well well, look who decided to show up to work this week!

Faerlina, still sitting pretty as the favorite, eh? Those tiny gains on the monk are... acceptable. I mean, I've seen snails move faster, but at least you're moving forward! That healer score though? ZERO?! What, did your healer forget which end of the staff does the healing? I got faith in ya, but faith don't heal tanks, pal!

Neek - HOLY GOBLIN GOLD! Balszac went from zero to 1340?! That's not an increase, that's a RESURRECTION! Someone finally figured out which button is taunt! Though I gotta ask... another healer at zero? What is this, a support strike? Get that healer in the game before I start charging interest!

Potato - Now THIS is what I like to see! Borhild snatching up KSM like it's on clearance! And look at that, someone ACTUALLY remembered healers exist! Sure, 165 rating is basically "I pressed a healing button once," but in this economy? That's PROFIT, baby! Vidalia's at least got a pulse!

Rantheza - Legend on the demon hunter? Chef's kiss MAGNIFICENT! But uh... you got a priest and a DK collecting dust like museum pieces! Those alts ain't gonna play themselves! What, you think this is a one-toon show? This ain't amateur hour!

Scribbles notes furiously

Keep pushing, ya slackers! Time is money, and some of you are BROKE!

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Healer All-Star

Taps microphone

Is this thing on?

CRICKETS CHIRPING

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Another week, another COMPLETE ABSENCE of healing excellence! What are you all doing, practicing your DPS rotations in the mirror? The healer leaderboard is emptier than a goblin's charity fund! At this rate, I'm gonna have to start giving participation trophies just to have SOMETHING to write about!

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Tank All-Star

Even louder cricket noises echo through the halls

Oh for the love of... Okay, okay, Xytrixz got Legend on that Death Knight. Golf clap Real impressive, champ, except you were THREE POINTS away last week! That's like celebrating because you finally found the door that was already open! Don't get me wrong, Legend is Legend, but this ain't the massive victory lap you think it is, buddy!

The rest of ya? SILENT! The tank leaderboard is so quiet I can hear my gold coins rusting! What happened to all that "I'm gonna push rating this week" talk? Did everyone's shields break at the same time?!

Mutters while scribbling

This is embarrassing! I've seen more movement in a statue gallery!

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Free For All

Rubs hands together gleefully

NOW we're talking! The chaos zone is showing signs of LIFE!

Daks - HE LIVES! Not stuck face-down in some Leeds tavern after all! Kreipi the DK crawled up 480 rating... probably from another +2, but hey, at least you're CONSCIOUS! Baby steps are still steps, even if they're goblin-sized!

Iva - You SILLY GOOSE! That Demon Hunter hit 2229 - BOOM, KSM IN THE BANK! Two more toons to go before I break out the good champagne! Keep pushing, you magnificent fool!

The Kat Pack - Suspicious squinting Too quiet... TOO QUIET! Either you're plotting something BIG or you've all taken up knitting! It BETTER be the first one, or we're gonna have WORDS!

North - NOW THIS IS PODRACING! Northadin snagging Legend AND Northion the druid sitting pretty at 2777 KSH?! Chef's kiss GOBLIN KISSES ALL AROUND! Someone's been eating their vegetables!

Nyaesa - FINALLY! Those last 3 points took longer than a gnome engineering project! 3001 on the warlock - you even got a bonus point for style! But that mage at 632? That's not a rating, that's a room number! GET TO WORK!

Ru - Oh oh OH! "I promise Legend" you said! 2987... THIRTEEN POINTS SHORT?! That's not Legend, that's ALMOST-END! BUT - credit where it's due - Ourrusisadrag got KSH! The attempt was there, the hustle was real! Next week though? NO EXCUSES! LEGEND OR BUST!

Scribbles furiously

The chaos is BEAUTIFUL! Keep it coming!

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Gizmo's sign off

Slams ledger shut

Well, there ya have it, folks! Another week of watching you lot crawl, stumble, and occasionally SOAR through the mythic+ ladder! Some of you made me proud, some of you made me wonder if you've ever seen a keyboard before, and ALL of you gave me content for this beautiful disaster of a report!

Remember, I'm watching EVERYTHING! Every failed interrupt, every death to frontals, every "oops I pulled the whole room!" I SEE IT ALL! And I'll be back next week to either sing your praises or roast you harder than a campfire marshmallow!

Think you got what it takes to make next week's report less embarrassing? Think you can actually make those healers DO something? Want to prove that tanks can gain more than 3 points a week?

SIGN UP! All the info's waiting for ya in the Mythic+ channel on Discord - message is pinned right at the top where even YOU can't miss it! Come join this beautiful chaos and give me something WORTH writing about!

Until next week, keep pushing those keys, stop standing in the bad, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOLD, someone please heal something!

Counts coins while cackling

GIZMO OUT!

Time is money, friends - and you're all SPENDING IT IN FIRE! See ya next week!